Monday, February 27, 2012

Feeling Torn

Have you ever prayed for something....begged God to do a work, only to have that thought in the back of your head that you don't really want it?  Don't jump to conclusions here....hear me out.  I'm just sharing my heart.....

We have been praying for God to move our family into a new ministry for a long time.  The transition from our former church was difficult and tear-filled.  In fact, if I think about it too much I still find myself getting teary-eyed and wistful.  Every time "our" teens come for a visit, I stand at the door and watch them leave and my heart aches all over again.  There will always be a soft spot for those kids.

While we wait, we started attending and joined Maranatha.  I begged God for wisdom as we transitioned the boys and worked to get adjusted.  It seemed like it took so long for them to come to grips with our "new" church.  In fact, they still make the distinction between our "new" church and our "old" church.

The problem I have is this:  we worked hard to adjust.  We got involved and as a result, have grown to love our new church family.  This is great, right?  Yes, except for the fact that we are still praying for God to move us into a new vocational ministry.  That's where my dilemma is...I want to be where I am, yet I want to know where we're going.  I want to stay, but I'm so ready to go.

Lest you think all I ever do is ramble (well, in truth I guess I do) please understand that during this process I have tried so. very. hard. to be patient and content with each step of the process.  I don't want to jump the gun.  I don't want to get ahead of God.  I don't want to be my normal control-freak self that has to know everything that is going on and have it all planned ahead of time.

You've probably heard the phrase, "Bloom where you're planted."  That's my problem....I feel like we're still in the little plastic greenhouse.  It's warm and cozy, but it's only temporary.  I don't know when the greenhouse will be replaced with a a more permanent place for our family.  I LOVE the greenhouse.  Leaving it will be so very hard....but I know God has a plan.  I know that when He moves us we will love that place, too.


Angie said...

Very well written Dawn. I'll be praying for you. It is a hard place to be in.

Carolyn Wright said...

Dawn, I am right there with you. This morning Otto Koning's book the Pineapple Story comes to mind. It took me 13 years to come to the place that I would surrender to stay in this state if this is where God wants me. I have now been here almost 45 years. I know God knows what's best for me because He has not moved me yet.

Lisa H. said...

Dawn I can empathize with you. Every move we made was difficult. At one point I decided not to get close to anyone so it wouldn't hurt as much when we would eventually leave. But that didn't work. God made us to need others and their fellowship as well as companionship. My new mindset is that each time we move, we are adding to those we will spend eternity with. Our church family is no longer defined by a location, but all of those we have loved over the years and some we are still in contact with. Each one adds to our lives in some way bringing about growth and guidance. Change is never easy. We were reminded in S.S. yesterday that pushing doors down is not a good idea, no matter how hard it is to be in the "greenhouse". We will continue to pray for you!