Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Not as I planned....

Today my youngest little guy turns 5.  He's sweet and funny and I can't imagine NOT having him in our family.

I was six weeks along in my pregnancy with Trevor before I even suspected that I might be pregnant.  I had been hitting the gym and my shirts were fitting so well, but my pants were getting harder and harder to button.  I was quite confused but figured that things were just shifting.  One September afternoon (I remember that it was the day of the Awana fair at church) I took a nap and could not figure out why I was so tired.  When I got up from the nap, the thought hit me....could it be?  Certainly not!  I grabbed a test out of the closet (leftover from when Josiah came along) and it was instantly positive.  I thought for sure that it must be expired or something...in fact, it took 4 tests to convince me that we were going to have another baby.

We were thrilled and surprised.  We desired more children, but Josiah was 2 weeks away from his first birthday and we didn't think another baby would come along quite so soon.  Once the initial shock wore off we began to get really excited....until the ultrasound.

You see, I prayed for a girl.  I was convinced I was going to have a girl.  You might remember that we had a mistaken ultrasound with Josiah (we were told he was a girl) so I thought for sure that God was going to give us a girl this time.  We already had 2 boys, so a girl would balance things out a bit.  In my mind, I convinced myself that since God had surprised us with this baby, He was going to really make it a good surprise and give us a girl.  

He didn't.  When the ultrasound tech told us (with Camden and Josiah watching and waiting) that another boy was on his way, I couldn't even look at the screen. I didn't want a boy.  I didn't plan for this pregnancy at all and another boy was certainly NOT on my radar.  How was I going to parent 3 boys?  Didn't God care that I really, really wanted to have a girl?  What was He thinking??

The next couple months were met with many sleepless nights.  Outwardly I smiled and accepted the heartfelt congratulations from friends and family.  Inwardly I battled with the idea that I didn't get what I wanted.  I laid awake many nights praying that God would help me to love and want this baby.  I couldn't imagine going through labor in this state of mind.

I know what you're probably thinking:  how selfish.  You're right.  I was selfish.  I was inwardly focused.  I should have been grateful for the fact that I could have children at all.  I battled with these thoughts.  I had friends that had miscarried and would give anything to have a child and here I was not happy with the gender.  I wanted to be excited.  I wanted to want a boy.  I knew that God was going to have to change my heart and my mind.

Trevor was due in May, and it was about mid-March before I finally came to terms with God's plan for our family. I spent the last 6 weeks preparing my mind and heart to welcome another boy into our family.  By the  time Trevor arrived, I was so excited with how God was blessing our family.

Today, I cannot imagine NOT having Trevor.  While the world would say he was a mistake (unplanned and not the gender I initially desired) I know that his life is a gift from God.  God decided that he would be and God decided that I would get to be his mother.  He's definitely a momma's boy (and I milk it!).  He brings us so much joy.  There's not a doubt in my mind that Trevor is a good gift from my good God.  


Mom said...

Ok, make me cry. love you Dawn

Angie said...

Thanks for sharing this.